Disavowing Diabetes

I know every trick in the book when it comes to living with T1D...but no matter how you try and cheat the system, the disease is never going to go away.

As a child, the glucometers (AKA "sugar checkers") were no where near as advanced as they are today. They used to require large amounts of blood to check how much sugar was racing through your blood stream. To tear through the callouses that were hardened on my fingers, I might've had to prick my fingers two or three times before I could get enough blood on the glucometer strip. How tedious! What child wants to do that 5-8 times a day? Well, I quickly found out that if I didn't use enough blood on the strip, my blood sugar reading would be lower than the true reading. Wow! How great is that? I never had to take insulin, and I could get out of class and gymnastics to eat snacks whenever I wanted! My average blood sugar on my glucometer would be perfect. I obviously enjoyed immediate gratification and didn't take into account the long-term consequences. But why worry about it? I was getting to eat cookies and granola bars all day long. One of a diabetic's typical reactions--denial.

The funny thing about cheating the system is that you'll always get caught at some point. That awful Hemoglobin A1C got me every time! Drats. An average blood sugar over the past three months. BUSTED. That average blood sugar of 121 mg/dL on my glucometer was obviously a little distorted. I just expected to get grounded after that doctor's appointment every time we went. Like I said in my last blog, I'm not perfect! Clearly, my life with diabetes as a child was a challenge--more for my parents than for me. Lying and cheating for immediate gratification. I was living a life of denial.

So, how do you teach your child that she can't forget to take her insulin? I'm not sure "forget" is the correct word to use considering most kids know they need to take it, they just choose not to. I don't know if my parents were ever able to truly drill it into my head that poor care of my diabetes would lead to drastic consequences. They grounded me numerous times and explained the possibility of blindness, deafness, amputation, etc. that could occur if I didn't take better care of myself. It didn't phase me. Maybe for a week or so I might've taken more insulin or checked my blood sugar more, but the hype quickly faded. I knew the complications of the disease, but I just couldn't see that far into the future. It wasn't happening right then, so I carried on with my unhealthy ways. 

The fights I had with my parents about diabetes was always a common theme. As I grew older, I took better care of myself than as a early/middle-age teenager. But still, my Hemoglobin A1C is not perfect, and I'm constantly fighting the battle of denial. I always get the typical "Can you eat that?" or "Should you be eating that?" questions from friends and family, as if they know my diabetes better than I do. I think I've got you beat with 21 years under my belt...sorry. I know they are usually looking out for me, but the thing is, I'm the only one who has control over the disease. I'm the only one who can decide how I want to take care of my diabetes. My parents can ground me and my friends can question me, but in the end, it's up to me. What does it take for a diabetic to truly want to take care of herself?

Last spring, in my OB rotation in nursing school, I ran into Dr. Wendell, a high-risk obstetric physician and good friend of my family. After ringing my neck with a massive hug, he grabbed my shoulders and asked, "Now how well is your diabetes under control?" I told him it was good but still needed some work. He looked me in the eyes and smiled, "We are going to get your diabetes under perfect control, and you are going to have the most beautiful baby ever when you're ready." I cried that day. My diabetes can effect another life? My mistakes could cause consequences for my child? It is no longer a disease affecting just me, myself, and I. It will affect someone else in the future. It finally clicked. The realization that I needed my blood sugars to be in perfect control. No one scolded me into believing it.  It was all up to me.

I'm sharing my story of when strict care of my diabetes truly became my primary goal. I am not trying discourage parents to stop educating their children. I believe my parents are the only reason why I didn't completely give up on taking care of myself. Their strength and belief in me are unwaivering. Their knowledge and openness to learn the disease are qualities I incredibly admire. But it all comes down to the "click." Find it and fight the battle ahead with ambition and burning desire.

"For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." -Hebrews 12:11